i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
