White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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