I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We need a shit load of segways right now
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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