In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
