If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
