I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
