Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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