Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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