you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
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He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
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well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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