I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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