she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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