mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Randomize
