Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
