you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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