I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
