Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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