i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
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