if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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