I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
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So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
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I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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