Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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