There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
