Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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