peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
