Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
