woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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