If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
