Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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