My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
