I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
