He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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