watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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