Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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