Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
