Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
