Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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