I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
