I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
