you traded sex for a burrito?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
