It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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