I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
