I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
