Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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