Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
