I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
