Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
