she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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