I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
