I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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