I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
