Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
