I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
