you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
