Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
