She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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