Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
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I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
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I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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