i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
