i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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