i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
