You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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